The inchworm

The word Keith would use for it is stubborn. He says it is because he is like me, and on one hand, I think that is the right way to look at it, but somehow it seems different to me as well.

Jack has always been his own person. You think you are going to have a child and imagine them into a certain way of being, but very often that is not how it happens. To some this can be a disappointment. I wouldn't say it has been, however, for me. It has taken some acceptance on my part and has led me to search for ways to parent the person Jack is instead of the person I might have thought he would be, so I guess in a way that is a very positive thing.

Since we moved here, we have been doing gymnastics. He has taken gymnastics since he was two in several locations, and he has always loved it. Really, it is just an energy burner, I am not expecting him to learn flips or leaps or anything of that sort. When he was two the class was pretty gender neutral, but the older he gets, the harder it gets, and then it seems, more and more geared toward little girls. He has always hated the bar at any gymnastics. When he was littler he would tell me it "hurt his tummy." Now he just refuses to do it at all. At his new class, they also do a lot of stuff on the beam. Since this was new to him, he sort of tried walking on it once. That was the end of that, and now he refuses to do it at all as well. So the last hour I spent at the gym watching him, he did about 10 minutes of stretching and warm-up, then about 5 minutes of jumping up and tumbling onto a block and running down a path. After that, the class spent about 20 minutes on the bars, which he just stubbornly shook his head a firm "no" any time they said it was his turn, and then 15 minutes on the beam, which he also refused to participate in at all.

I have always sort of had a hard time with where to go from here. I am tempted to step in and pressure him to try something that he might not want to do at first, lest he enjoy it once he tried. I know from experience that the harder you push with him, the harder he'll push back. So, I try to just not bother with it at all. I don't really care if he does it anyway, if I think about it like that. So I ask him, "Did you have fun at gymnastics?" He says, "Yes mommy." "Do you want to go back?" "Yes mommy." Well then, okay.

Yesterday was our first swimming lesson. It was interesting too, in the same way. He is very afraid of having his face in the water, and swimming is different from gymnastics to me in that it is important to me that he learn it. The teacher calls the kids over, and they get started without much fanfare. We had already done swimming in the summer and it had been a bit of a battle, and he had been in quite a battle of wills with his teacher then too. This time, the teacher tells him flat out, "Look, if you don't want to do something, you don't have to do it. Just say no and that will be the end of it." I raise my eyebrows, knowing my son, but sit back to watch. Two of the six kids can already full on swim underwater from the beginning. When it comes his turn to put his face in, he won't go for it. The teacher handles it well, asking him twice then moving on. Then the kids are supposed to push off from the wall underwater and swim about 5 feet. No dice. Next is the back float. He hates that too and I'm expecting another refusal. Timidly, he reaches for the man, and does a great attempt at a back float. I'm surprised but happy with this small concession.

This is the kind of progress that gets made with him, and the kind of slow going that has to be celebrated. You have to keep your eyes open wide, or you might miss it altogether. But, when it comes so rarely, the joy you feel about the littlest accomplishments can be amazing. It's only one back float, but it's a step.